I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
