What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
