I cannot find my penis.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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