I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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