Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
