did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
