I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
