The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
