i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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