Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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