i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
