how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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