genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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