If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
50% drunk capacity currently
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
