oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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