Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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