i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
