So drunk its hurt
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
