If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
