Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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