I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
