Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
