Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
