He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
