I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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