She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
