just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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