Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
