I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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