This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
wanna go halves on a baby?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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