WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
