i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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