my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
