im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
