My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
