dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
