I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
