His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
