I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
