just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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