I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
