i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
