I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
