i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We are two peas in an std pod
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
