I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
