my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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