I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
