A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
