I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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