i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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