weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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