Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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