I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
